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Wife to Husband: Turn off the lights if you want me to be naked in front of you

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Here is a common scene:

Husband says: “My wife wont let me see her naked unless the lights are off, or she is under the covers.”

Wife says: “My husband does not understand.  I don’t want him to see me naked. My body has stretch marks, cellulite, and is not exactly attractive!”

It is rare for women to comfortably disrobe and be naked in front of their husband. How sad! For both men and women.

So, women,  how do you get to the point where you can  smile and  confidently swagger into the bedroom, sans clothing?

Keep this in mind:

To him, naked = good.  Whether you understand it or not, your husband likely has an appreciation of female beauty and especially nudity. As in, your nudity.  You don’t have to look like a supermodel. You are beautiful because you are a woman — which is entirely different from him and incredibly intriguing.

You have curves. You have breasts. You have soft flesh. You have tender, exciting places down below. Whether you also have ten extra pounds or more, varicose veins, or stretch marks doesn’t detract from what he sees.

Men are visually excitable. Your husband is interested in your naked body. So show it off! Strut, Girl!

It’s your only body. You can spend your whole life wishing you were “(fill-in-the-blank)”er…. taller, shorter, curvier, thinner, fuller, flatter, lighter, darker…whatever-er.

But the body you have is the body you have.

Your body has served you well plenty of times.

We all have challenges. Disfigurement,  trauma, chronic or terminal illness, gravity’s effects….you name it. The severity of the challenge varies.

But, many of us would love to have the very body someone complains about all day long.

Learning to appreciate what you have goes a long way toward being willing to share it with your husband.

Bottom line: This is your body. Your one and only precious body. bFind ways to love it. Focus on the features you do like. Keep your body healthy. Enhance what you can.

Live in gratitude for your body.

Get over thinking you want someone else’s, and intentionally learn to appreciate this one and only body you have.

Remember he isn’t a perfect ’10’.

He knows you aren’t perfect, but he isn’t perfect either. But you still can be perfect for one another.

Been there and done that. Truly, what’s the big deal about showing him your body after all youve been through together?

Especially if you are intimately connected in every other way,  why  withhold this one way?

If you want that deep connection with your man,  you have to open yourself up.

Trust him with your heart and with your body. You truly aren’t likely to have a fabulous marriage in every other aspect if you cannot also be vulnerable and open in the marriage bed. Chalk it up to one more thing that makes your relationship unique: You walk through life together in a way you don’t with anyone else, including the way you share your bodies with each other.

Now, go get naked. And strut!

Trespassing

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(The following is adapted from  Wendy Strgar, President, Good Clean Love)

Does sex ever begin for you with a mind filled with thought? “I have to do the laundry, sign Julia’s permission slip, make sandwiches for the kids’ lunchbox….”.

Sound familiar?

Maybe your thoughts are based in to to-do lists, as in the example above. Or insecurity oriented, like “Do I look fat? Does he think I gained weight?” Sometimes  thoughts are in the form of anticipation, as in “How long will this take? Should  I fake a orgasm to get it over with? I need this to be over so I can get to sleep!” Anticipation thoughts are future oriented. Thoughts based in the past can also be disruptive. “Last time we had sex I farted.” (Surprised by the example?!)

Any and all of these types of thoughts are what I call ‘trespassers’. The list is not exhaustive, by the way.  These are actual examples though from my office.

Back to trespassing…

Any trespasser will prevent the experience of embodied, delicious sex.

Mind-blowing sex demands your full presence. 100%.

It is impossible to really savor sex  when your brain is busy with its rolodex of thought.

Orgasm is out of the question when the mind is preoccupied with  anxiety or distractions du jour.

How do you quiet your mind?  How do you manage trespassers?

Tomorrow’s blog will offer some ideas. In the meantime, please share your methods!

 

Tantra? Is that some kind of Spider?

“Tantra” is one of those words that we hear and think we sort of know what it means.

I randomly asked friends, patients, and family for their definition of  Tantra.

Here are three responses:

1. “Kinky sex”

2. “HIPPY shit”

3. “Basically a tarantula spider”

None of the three guesses is correct.

So, what is Tantra?

Tantra is an over 7,000 year old system based in Eastern Philosophy.

Its main purpose is to harness the body’s energies and use them to connect with a higher consciousness.

That does sound esoteric. What does it mean?

Breathing, moving, making sounds, and focusing the mind are basic elements of Tantra.  Applying  Tantric ideas expands the Western definition of  sex. Deep and intense orgasmic experiences become  inherent to the expression of sex in the Tantra world.

But Tantra is about more than sex. It is a spiritual practice based in the belief that all living beings are connected, and that within each of us is the divine. With Tantra practice we develop a higher level of consciousness in everyday life. This  translates to embracing the natural world and finding  meaning in all relationships. The emphasis is on awareness of emotions and behaviors and how we interact with the world. This is why meditation and contemplation of the outer and inner world are so important. Tantric sex is simply applying these greater beliefs to our sexuality.

Tantra practices involve connection with a partner. The practice however starts with the individual.

The individual learns how to have a more joyous, connected  relationship with herself. This sense of ‘oneness’ is part of the preparation for sharing herself with her partner.

With Tantra,  we train our mind and heart to embrace our own sexuality.

Some Tantric practitioners adhere to the overall spiritual philosophy of Tantra. Others, though, do not necessarily devote their lives to a daily spiritual practice. More commonly, people take Tantric teachings and apply them to their life, including to their sexuality.

An example is to see your partner at the ultimate god/goddess of sexuality. Another is to apply breathing exercises to your sex life to enrich your experience.

The Kama Sutra is  a text of Tantric philosophy written 2,000 years ago by  Vatsayana, a religious scholar. The Kama Sutra is a guide to learn specific Tantric sexual practices, including positions.

Tantra is beautiful. You can  apply as much or as little as you would like to your current sexual practices.